


'Cause baby we are two parts of one

by Fandomnetwork



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Christine is a sweet heart, Jeremy Heere is an idiot but he grows up, Kinda angsty but it ends happy, Trigger warnings:, anxiety attack, collage AU, its not REALLY shown but it is there, rape is mentioned, sucidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 11:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12457170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandomnetwork/pseuds/Fandomnetwork
Summary: Contrary to what everyone expected, Michael and Jeremy didn't go back to the way they were after the whole squip thing. In fact, they didn't even talk, not really, after the whole incident. The only time they talked was when Jeremy was in the hospital.ORMichael and Jeremy don't really go back to being friends after the whole SQUIP incident. AKA the college AU I needed.This is honestly what I personally think would have or should have happened. Bear in mind, I haven't seen the musical.ORIn my book, you are the half that Aristophanes spoke of.ORThe author doesn't do titles





	'Cause baby we are two parts of one

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo...6510 words!!!
> 
> AHH I'm so happy! This is the first time I have written so much AND this is my first proper story!
> 
> I'm a proud rabbit.
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading and as always, feedback is REALLY appreciated! 
> 
> Love, Tessa =)

Contrary to what everyone expected, Michael and Jeremy didn't go back to the way they were after the whole squip thing.

 

In fact, they didn't even talk, not really, after the whole incident. The only time they talked was when Jeremy was in the hospital.

 

Michael came into his room, his cheeks red and glasses off. He grinned at Jeremy, trying, trying so hard to act "normal", but it didn't last long. They sat there in an awkward silence until Michael sighed, shaking his head. He glanced at jeremy for a split second and began speaking.

 

They couldn't go back to the way they used to be, is what he said.

 

They couldn't be friends, is what he meant. Jeremy had hurt him too much.

 

 _It...it was going to require time...and space...and a whole lot of weed_ , Michael had said, trying to seem fine but Michael was still choking back sobs and his eyes hadn't let the floor since he had entered the room.

Jeremy had gulped and nodded and let his head sink back into the pillow as he tried not to cry. Michael had nodded back and stayed there for a moment, hesitant.

 

Michael stared at Jeremy like he was waiting for something. Jeremy tried not to squirm under Michael’s gaze but it was getting harder and harder to not cry. Just as Jeremy felt like he was going to burst with the guilt, Michael walked out, his shoulders shaking and slumped.

 

That was the last time they had properly talked.

 

Now they sat separately, Jeremy with the SQUIP gang and Michael...Michael sat alone.

 

Jeremy hadn't told the squip gang about his whole situation with Michael and they hadn't asked him yet. It's like they knew Michael was a no-no in the conversation zone.

 

And...he probably was. If Jeremy wanted to avoid a panic attack, then Michael had to stay in the no-no zone.

 

Mr. Heere had asked him about Michael once, just about how he was and if they had hung out recently. All he had been trying to do was understand Jeremy better but the mention of _his_ name had resulted in Jeremy breaking down completely sobbing until he couldn't breathe. Until his father didn't know what to do.

\---

"What happened between you and the guy with the headphones, Jer? Weren’t you guys like really close?" Christine asked and she regretted the question the minute it left her mouth.

 

Jeremy froze up completely, his eyes tearing up as he sucked in gulps of air.

 

Everything was going cold and everything was going hot. There was too much air and yet not enough. Jeremy could feel his anxiety crawl under his skin, pushing and pushing; trying so hard to get out.

 

He tried taking a breath but his chest was closing up. He felt a pair of arms hug him from behind and let out a sob.

 

_Michael...Forget how long it's been...Wish I was never born..._

 

"Jeremy breath...breath Jeremy..." Christine said, holding his shaking body. She could hear him murmuring to himself.

 

"I left him...I left him...my boy...I left him..."

 

"Your boy?" Christine asked softly, trying not to panic him. Jeremy nodded before shaking his head.

 

"I left him...I left him.." He was still crying, he was still struggling to breathe and Christine didn't know how to help him anymore. He wouldn’t listen. It felt like there was a wall in between them, keeping them apart.

 

"Mr. Heere!" She screamed, trying to calm herself.

 

"Mr. Heere, help me!" She screamed and she heard him drop something before rushing down the stairs.

 

Mr. Heere slammed open the door, his eyes wide and angry. He looked around slightly confused before his eyes settled on Jeremy and his expression caved into panicked realization. He took in a shaky breath as he approached Jeremy. He grabbed the boy’s shoulders and gently hugged him.

 

“Breathe Jerry, breath…remember what we discussed?” Jeremy’s eyes flickered to his father and his sobbing piped down. Mr. Heere smiled at him softly.

 

“Just like that Jerry, just breath with me…” Jeremy followed his father’s example until he could breathe without assistance.

 

Christine was gone by the time he had calmed down and Jeremy wasn't sure how he felt about that.

 

On one hand, he was glad that he didn’t have to face her after that, he didn’t think he would have been able to explain what had happened just yet.

 

But he couldn't help but think that he had ruined everything.

He could feel the sense of dread creeping up his being. He would lose all his friends because he was a loser who couldn’t hear his ex-best friend’s name without having a fucking panic attack. No one wonder Michael had left. Who in this world would stay and deal with his senseless shit.

\---

 

That night Jeremy dreamed of Chloe and the Halloween party. He dreamed of her kissing him and him screaming _no_ but the words never left his mouth.

 

In the dream, the squip was back. It forced him to sit there as Chloe made her way down his body, as she undressed him. It forced him to tell her to continue when she asked him if he wanted to do it.

 

Jeremy woke up, shaking and bawling, just as he saw Chloe’s naked body smirking down at him, her hand hovering over his exposed hip bones.

 

 _Boys don’t get raped. Boys don’t get raped. I wanted it. Boys don’t get raped_. He whispered to himself, rocking his body back and forth as he clung onto his lie for his sanity.

 

\---

 

Christine apologized.

 

She pulled him away during lunch, leaving their friends hollering behind them. He had caught a glance at Michael before he had left and Michael seemed...fine for once. He no longer sat alone. And Jeremy was almost completely happy for him. Almost.

 

Back to Christine.

 

She sat him down in the football field and explained.

 

“I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to intrude on you…And besides…” She trailed away, looking down at the grass. Jeremy followed her gaze and placed a hand on her’s. She glanced up at him with a sad smile and a light blush and Jeremy couldn’t help but realize how beautiful she looked in the sun.

 

“And besides I felt like you wouldn’t want to see me after I made you panic like that, you know?”

 

Jeremy shook his head immediately. “No, Chris! No! It wasn’t you I swear it was just…”

 

He didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t have to.

 

“Michael?”

 

Jeremy’s smile softened. He wasn’t going to panic again. He physically couldn’t. He was tired.

 

Just...tired.

 

“Do you...like him?” She asked, almost hesitantly and Jeremy wanted to joke or lie or just avoid this whole realization and run away.

 

How could he explain that his heart leapt to his heart every time he caught sight of Michael but holding Christine’s hand still set his heart on fire.

 

How could he explain that he dreamt of Michael kissing him yet kissing Christine made him feel so safe and content.

 

How could he explain that even though his feelings for Michael were a complex mess that even he didn’t understand, his feelings for Christine were just as real and valid.

 

He couldn’t. So he stayed quiet.

 

Christine understood his silence and intertwined their fingers. Jeremy blushed lightly, his heart racing.

 

Christine never mentioned Michael again.

\----

 

Jeremy and Christine broke up a week after graduation.

 

And yeah. Jeremy was sad but it wasn’t as bad as it would have been if they had broken up even a year ago. After dating Christine for 3 years he would have thought that his feelings would have grown from liking her to loving her but...they didn’t. And Christine admitted that she too felt the same way.

 

They were stuck on the same stage from the beginning and now that the high had worn off, it was turning out to be much less exciting.

 

And with this...his feelings for Michael never really faded like he had thought they had, but they had been buried deep, deep, deep under the surface, far from his or anyone’s knowledge.

 

—

 

Jeremy’s dad dropped him off at college only a day before he _had_ to

 

Mr. Heere was very hesitant to let go of his son when he had finally started understanding him; after his son had finally told him the truth and Jeremy could understand that. He was terrified. A part of him wanted to give in and stay with his father but another part of him knew that he couldn’t. He had been surprised that he had made it into this college in the first place and if he gave it up, he wouldn’t receive this opportunity again.

 

So he hugged his a father goodbye, kissed his cheeks twice and walked into his dorm without turning back.

 

—

 

Not even one week into college Jeremy realized that he had made a mistake. Actually, he realized that he made a mistake the moment he walked into his friend’s, now his, dorm.

 

Somehow Jeremy’s own roommate had convinced him to switch rooms with his brother because “my brother is in a really shit place and I want to look after him”

 

And Jeremy understood that. He had been in a bad place too for a long while and he had appreciated that his friends had been there. So Jeremy agreed, not really bothered by this room change since he still hadn’t unpacked.

 

That is until he saw his roommate.

 

Somehow out of the four thousand students in this fucking college he had landed with the one person he really didn’t want to room with.

 

 _Michael fucking Mell_.

—

 

Rooming with Michael was...awkward at first.

 

Both of them had gaped at each other when they first met eyes. And then Jeremy had bolted out the room in search of his old roommate who had conveniently disappeared.

 

This left Jeremy with two choices.

 

Either suck it up and go room with Michael and probably have a panic attack every time the boy entered the room or…

 

Find his old roommate and tell him to let his brother who was in a bad place room with a complete stranger and therefore ruin his chances at a friendship.

 

Jeremy was honestly contemplating sleeping outside on the benches instead but then as he entered the room, Michael gave him an awkward smile and asked him to go eat with him and that was...nice.

—

 

As the year went by, their relationship didn’t really change. They stuck to smiling politely and waving.

 

They stuck to sharing a table but not really talking and a casual “how was your day” when they saw each other.

 

They never really went back to the way they were because they couldn’t.

 

They weren’t the same as they were back then. Sure they still had things that were the same like how Michael still loved smoking weed and how Jeremy still had a love for gaming.

 

But even with that, the two had grown up to be really different.

 

Jeremy had grown to love acting and drama and Michael had grown to love computers and software.

 

Jeremy was bi and Michael was gay. Although that really didn’t matter to Jeremy other than the fact that Michael was dating _other_ guys.

 

Jeremy hadn’t yet dated anyone except Christine. Michael had gone on a fair few dates although those hadn’t quite worked out.

 

The last one stung. A lot.

—

 

Jeremy decided that the only way to survive living with Michael was to set himself rules. _Just like high school._

 

_Number one: DO NOT STARE AT HIM!_

 

_Number two:.Never jack off to Michael._

 

_Number three: Never mention their past._

 

_Number four: Never mention The Party._

  


The rules were pretty simple really. And they usually didn’t require much effort.

  
  
  


Well...most of them anyways.

\---

 

Michael’s eyes were always Jeremy’s favorite part of him. Appearance wise of course.

 

Michael’s eyes were a brown Jeremy had never seen on anyone else. They reflected the light in gold and yet they could turn into the color of coffee if provoked.

 

Just looking at them used to calm Jeremy down.

 

Just looking at them used to make him nervous, it still did.

 

Just looking at them made Jeremy realize that yeah, he still had feelings for the boy. Weird complex feelings that made his skin crawl in the best way possible.  

 

Michael glanced at him, without really turning and Jeremy realized that _FUCK he had been staring_.

 

Jeremy turned away, his cheeks flushed as he tried to ignore Michael’s stupidly pretty face.

\---

 

Jeremy blamed Michael for breaking the second rule. It really wasn't Jeremy’s fault.

 

Michael had the _fucking nerve_ to enter the room in nothing more than his boxers and a towel draped over his shoulders and not expect Jeremy to jack off to that?!

 

\---

 

Jeremy wasn’t sure if Michael staying in during Halloween was a good sign or not. Sure it was just for studying and catching up since the library was closed for renovations and Michael probably wouldn’t even speak to him, but at the same time, Michael’s very presence would stop Jeremy from concentrating.

 

 _Although him being here would also mean that he wasn’t out there with some other girl or guy_ , Jeremy’s brain supplied unhelpfully.

 

\---

 

Michael returned at the strike of nine, his glasses fogging and a cup of tea in his hand. _Tea, not coffee…_

 

That was the first sign.

 

Michael only ever drank tea if he was either worried, stressed or upset and he had finished all his studying two weeks in advance.

 

Michael placed his bag down and sighed loud enough to catch Jeremy’s attention.

Jeremy opened his mouth, hesitant before shutting it and turning back to his script.

 

_George: Stay with me won’t you? (Grabs Helen’s wrist gently)_

 

_Helen: If it was in my hands I would be with you for forever_

 

_George: But it's not…_

 

Michael glanced at his phone before rubbing his eyes with his palm. Jeremy tired not to notice how tired he looked.

 

_Helen: (Sighing) No it's not_

 

_George: (Pursing his lips, hesitant) Then tell me this before you leave._

 

_(Helen is looking at George with a curious frown)_

 

Michael has his pen in his mouth now and he is sucking the tip absentmindedly and Jeremy feels like he is going to go insane. Jeremy subtly shifts in his chair, pressing his thighs together.

 

_George: (Now more eager and confident at not being shut down) What do you feel…(now more quiet, almost like he is unsure if he wants to know the truth) what do you feel for me, fair maiden?_

 

 _Helen: (Opens her mouth, surprised, but then smiles coyly, like she expected it) It's only given that I admit these truths before I leave so, my love, are you ready to hear my answer? (George nods and Helen smiles at that) I-_ Michael drops his head on the table, a loud bang echoing throughout the room making Jeremy jump in concern.

 

“A-” Jeremy clears his throat, trying not to flinch under Michael’s sudden attention, “Are you alright?”

 

Michael stares at him in response and Jeremy’s heart clenches.

 

This is the first time in a really long time that Michael has really looked at him and it...its weird. It is nothing like the way Michael used to look at him. Hell, it was nothing like anything had seen on Michael’s face before. It was so...sad and empty and tired.

 

“I-I-uh-sorry I shouldn’t have-” Jeremy started after a moment of tense silence.

 

“Why did you leave Jer?”

 

And just like that, all the rules Jeremy had set to survive living with Michael had been broken.

 

And this time not by him.

 

Silence.

 

One beat.

 

Two.

 

“I’m sorry…” Jeremy’s voice was barely above a whisper but it still echoed loud in the silence. He sunk deeper into his seat and his dull eyes danced with the street lights. Michael dropped his pencil and turned towards him.

 

Michael paused for a moment, thinking before he moved onto Jeremy’s bed. Jeremy’s breath hitched and he felt his heartbeat pause for a split moment. Michael stayed away from Jeremy, his feet planted firm on the floor as his hand gripped the side of the bed. Jeremy could almost see his knuckles turn white through the pressure.

 

_He’s nervous…_

 

The realization set off an alarm in him. Michael was nervous. Michael, who used to be the chillest person Jeremy knew. Michael, who now hid his emotions from Jeremy like he could catch a plague if he let them slip. Michael, who never let Jeremy see anything more than polite smile nowadays was nervous.

 

Jeremy stood up, hesitant before sitting down on the bed.

 

“I-uhm…” Jeremy trailed off, unsure of how to start.

 

“The squip...he convinced me that leaving you behind was the only way to...grow popular,” Jeremy’s eyes returned to the floor, tracing the stained swirls on the carpet. Michael scoffed, bitter and quiet.

 

“Hah...of course…” Jeremy swallowed. His heart was clenching in his chest and the pit of dread in his stomach grew by the second. They sit in silence for a while, neither of them are ready to break the suffocating silence.

 

Michael sighed and then pursed his lips. His jaw tightened and then he nodded his head like he didn’t expect anything more. Like he had learned to accept it.

 

Michael moved to stand and a sudden sense of finality hit Jeremy in the gut and a wave of realization drowned him. Jeremy grabbed his wrist, his fingers gentle but insistent on Michael’s wrist. Michael tensed under him but he didn’t pull away.

 

“I’m sorry Michael…” Jeremy whispered, his voice soft yet desperate and Michael shrugged.

 

“Whatever man…” Michael whispered but his voice was hoarse and tense and he wouldn’t stop clenching and unclenching his fist.

 

“No,” Jeremy said louder, not quite yelling. He said it like a statement, an apology.

 

“Well, what do you want me to say, Jeremy?” Michael said, finally turning around. His lip quivered slightly as he rubbed at his eyes. He still wouldn’t look at Jeremy.

 

“I-” Jeremy wasn’t sure either. “I just want you to listen...please...”

 

Michael sighed and for a moment Jeremy feared that he would bolt out the room but then Michael nodded and sat back down, his back turned to Jeremy as he curled in on himself.

 

“I-I have no excuse for it Michael...I can’t blame it on the squip cause I was the one who took him. But-But...I-I’m really sorry okay?!” Jeremy gulped. “I-I can’t excuse leaving you alone. I can’t excuse abandoning you...And I can’t say that the squip made me call you a loser…”

 

Michael tensed. “W-What…?”

 

Jeremy took in a shaky breath, his eyes burning with tears. He slowly shut his eyes, letting his head fall back against the wall.

 

“Yeah...that night...I-I was drunk and-”

 

“The squip doesn’t work when you are drunk...” Michael smacked his forehead with his palm. The look on his face was heartbreaking. He had finally turned towards Jeremy, his eyes wide in disbelief. Michael had given up on hiding his pain and his cheeks were turning red.

 

“Michael I-”

 

“You what, Jeremy?!” Jeremy fell silent. “You what?! For the past four years, I told myself that I wouldn’t-I wouldn’t bring this up! That I wouldn’t talk to you about that night because I was over it! I was stronger! I told myself that you no longer had any control over me-”

 

Michael stopped, falling to the ground in a fit of sobs. Jeremy’s face scrunched.

 

“I-I’m sorry…”

 

“Do you think a sorry will change everything, Jeremy? Especially this late?” Jeremy looked up, hesitant.

 

“You mean…”

 

“I waited for two years, Jeremy! I waited and waited and waited for you but...No! Not once did you try to apologize! Not once!” Michael was screaming and there were tears running down his cheek. He yanked at his hair as he hiccupped a sob. “That day, in the hospital, you just-you just gave up on me...never once did you try to say sorry or tell me to stay or anything Jeremy! You just gave up on me like I wasn’t even worth it...again...and again...and again…”

 

“Just twi-” Jeremy started before he saw Michael glare at him. “Mi-Michael-I-”

 

“I’m done Jeremy...I’m done waiting for you...I’m done waiting for something to excuse what you did and how you treated me...there was only one thing that kept me going, man...I-I hung onto the hope that maybe just maybe it was the squip talking...that it was the squip who called me a loser…not my best friend of twelve years...”

 

“Michael-”

 

“You really hurt me, Jeremy...you ruined me that night...that-that night was the first time in four years that it got that bad... It was the first night is four years that I-I-” Michael slumped forward, hugging his body close like if he did it enough he would disappear.

 

“I regretted it goddammit! I regretted taking that stupid tic tac so fucking much! Y-You think it didn’t hurt me?! Treating you like that?! Do you think that I haven’t hated myself every single day since for calling you a loser?!” Jeremy’s voice was rough and battered and broken and it forced Michael to listen to him.

 

“That night...that night was horrible...and I can’t blame anyone but myself for it...and I can’t excuse being such a dick to you but Michael-I-I-” Jeremy took in a breath, rubbing his eyes on the sleeve of his sweater. “Chole-she...She almost raped me, Michael...she...the squip….she-” Jeremy let out a frustrated scream that would have been so much louder if his throat hadn’t closed up halfway through.

 

“Jeremy I’m sorry about that, I hate that you went through that but-”

 

“I know it doesn’t excuse anything...But before you leave me again I needed to tell you the truth…”

 

Michael took in a breath again and then exhaled.

 

“I-Is there anything else?”

 

“The squip hated every part on me...There was a point where I wondered if I just-” Jeremy took in a shaky breath. “If I just ended this life, I would have a new start in the next one...A new life where I wouldn’t need to change everything and give you up…I was so alone Michael...I couldn’t- I didn’t have anyone…”

 

“Is that you trying to convince me that what you did was right and I should forgive you?” Michael asked, and Jeremy looked at him to see if he was being sarcastic but no, Michael was looking at him seriously, his eyes dark.

 

“No...it isn’t- Cause what I did can’t be forgiven and I understand that...This is me telling you the truth...This is me doing something I should have done years ago before I lost my only friend…”

 

They sat in silence again and Jeremy subconsciously realized how often they had been doing that.

 

Then Michael stood up, sighing. He walked out the door and Jeremy’s heart sunk. Jeremy let out a silent sob, covering his mouth with his sweater as he saw Michael shut the door.

 

_Too late...He had been too late...If only he hadn’t been a fucking idiot...Why didn’t he apolo-_

 

Someone knocked on the door and Jeremy sighed. _Who the fuck thought this was a good ti-oh…_

 

Michael grinned at Jeremy, his cheeks still tear-stained and his hair a mess. He offered Jeremy his hand.

 

“Hello! I’m Michael Mell, nice to meet you!” Jeremy gave him a questioning look, clinging onto the door frame. Michael sighed dropping the fake grin for a softer, maybe sadder but more real smile.

 

“Look...what happened in the past is in the past...You did what you did and-and it’s-it's not okay, I won’t lie...But I’m tired of being angry, man...I’m tired of being hurt...And maybe I’m just tired and I don’t even have it in me anymore, but...I miss you, Jeremy…” Michael paused. He was crying again and a glance at Jeremy told him that the latter was doing the same. “I miss my best friend so let’s-let’s start over, okay? No more hiding feelings and taking sentient pills to seem cooler. No more leaving each other behind and lying, okay? Let's just start over Jeremy...”

 

Jeremy stared at Michael, his eyes wide and glassed over. He stood silent for a moment before a smile split his face and he fell forward into Michael’s arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Michael grinned, losing all his self-control as he hugged Jeremy back.

 

They stood there for a while crying and whispering into each other’s ears, trying to make up for what they had done and lost.

 

They weren’t okay yet, not really. They still had problems and scars that would need time and probably therapy to heal. But they would be okay one day and that was comfort enough for now.

 

\---

 

They didn’t really go back to the way they were.

 

Their relationship had changed drastically now and Jeremy suspected that a huge part of it was that they had other friends.

 

Sure they still hung out after classes and just sat together studying.

 

Occasionally, Michael would ask him if he wanted to go out a smoke weed and Jeremy would agree and then the two would go the roof, usually at night and just smoke for a while. They would talk for hours on end and catch up on the things they missed out while they were fighting.

 

And it was really nice but it wasn’t like before.

 

Michael was not the only one he had and he was not the only one Michael had.

 

Jeremy wasn't sure how he felt about this. It was really nice having more friends that shared his interests and passions. And it was nice to know that he had more people he could rely on but there was the fear that Michael would leave him again.

 

That he would finally realize how much of a loser Jeremy was.

 

That he would realize that he shouldn’t have forgiven Jeremy.

 

And since Michael had others now, he wouldn’t lose anything by ditching Jeremy.

 

A part of him knew the fear was irrational but the other part of him questioned, _Was it really_?

 

\---

 

They do get better eventually.

 

They get better at handling their emotions and expressing them instead of hiding and hoping that someone would figure it out.

 

Michael gets better at trusting and forgiving Jeremy, even though Michael still has his moment of insecurity.

 

Jeremy gets better at handling his anxiety and tampering down his insecurities.

 

Michael gets better at listening and figuring out Jeremy, and he is almost back to the way he used to be.

 

Jeremy goes to therapy, every week which is a courtesy of Michael. Jeremy drags Michael with him sometimes and they talk out their situation with a professional who probably still thinks that they are high.

 

So they are fine eventually but it isn’t organic or even automatic, it's an endless battle with no foreseeable end. It takes time and effort and break downs but they eventually get there.

 

\---

 

Jeremy talks to Chloe about the part one day. Against his therapist’s advice.

 

Jeremy tells her about the squip and how he forced Jeremy to have sex with her.

 

Chloe starts sobbing almost immediately, and he can hear her whisper apologies between broken sentences and Jeremy wonders if this image of Chloe would ever truly replace the one he has in his brain.

 

Jeremy tells Chloe that he forgives her and she apologizes again and Jeremy just wants to ask her the same thing Michael asked him that night _Do you think an apology will change everything?_

 

Jeremy decides that he regrets his decision.

 

He regrets talking to Chloe about this. He regrets the squip. He regrets going to that party.

 

He regrets calling Michael a _loser_.

 

_He regrets being alive._

 

\---

 

Jeremy doesn’t tell his therapist what he did but he does tell Michael.

 

Michael just holds him for a while; he lets him cry out his feelings, and after Jeremy is done, they smoke weed and watch the stars from the roof.

 

Jeremy almost feels better after a while.

 

\---

 

“Michael...where are you going?” Jeremy asks, his head leaning against the wall and arms crossed over his chest.

 

Jeremy knows where Michael is going, it's pretty obvious with the way he is dressed.

 

Michael has made an effort. Which is...surprising at the least. He is wearing a Bob Marley t-shirt under a suit jacket and jeans and while it isn’t the most formal, it makes Jeremy’s heart thump hard in his chest. He briefly wonders if Michael can hear it.

 

Michael smiles at him shyly through the mirror and his cheeks are flushing red as his hand sneaks to the back of his neck. “I have a date?” He replies, his voice low and timid.

 

“O-oh…” Is all Jeremy can manage. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. Maybe he should have lived with the anxiety of not knowing where Michael was going in exchange of this horrific sinking feeling. Jeremy’s lip quivers slightly and he forces a smile.

 

“Oh! That’s great dude! Who is it with?”

 

“Nikhil…” Michael says, turning around. Jeremy’s breath catches in his throat as he looks at Michael once over.

 

“T-The guy from Engineering?”

 

“Yup!” Jeremy winces.

 

“That's great dude! What time is it?”

 

Michael glances up at the Pac man clock on the wall and his eyes widen. “I need to leave...like now! Shit!”

 

“O-oh...Okay!” Jeremy says and he’s proud of himself for keeping up the charade but then Michael glances at him with a concerned smile and suddenly Jeremy is choking up and it so fucking hard to not cry in front of Michael.

 

“Dude, you feeling okay? You look like you are about to cry…”

 

“N-Nah man,” Jeremy gulps and Michael’s eyes are falling to his throat, making him, even more, self-conscious. “I’m just tired and stressed you know? I have a literature exam on Monday”

 

“You sure?” Michael is moving closer to him and Jeremy feels like he is going to burst. Jeremy could just tell Michael what he really wants to tell him.

 

_That Michael should stay with Jeremy, today, tomorrow and always. That Michael shouldn’t go on a date with anyone else. That Jeremy is in love with him…_

 

But that's not what Michael needs. Michael has been pining over this guy for weeks now and he shouldn’t lose his chance with him just because of Jeremy’s stupid crush on Michael.

 

So Jeremy forces a smile and shakes his head.

 

“Yeah man, just go! You are going to be late,” Jeremy says, laughing slightly and Michael smiles back at him and nods.

 

Michael moves towards the door for a moment before hesitating and hugging Jeremy quickly.

 

“I’m right here okay dude? I’ll be back,”

 

Jeremy tensed. “Y-Yeah of course man,”

 

\----

  


“Jeremy?” Michael whispered as he entered the room.

 

“Huh?” Jeremy asked, half asleep. He heard Michael put down his stuff before Jeremy’s bed sunk slightly.

 

“I’m back…”

 

Jeremy hummed in response. “H...How was your date?” He asked, his voice slurred.

 

“It was alright, didn’t really work out though…”

 

“Ohh...I’m-I’m sorry…” Jeremy said, his eyes still shut, and trying to fight sleep.

 

“I’m not really that upset…” Michael sighed. “Anyways I’m going to go to bed,”

 

“Hah...okay...goodnight!” Jeremy slurred in response. Michael giggled.

 

“Good night Jeremy…”

 

\---

 

“Jeremy?” Michael said after a while, his voice barely above a whisper.

 

“Hmm?” Jeremy hummed, already falling back asleep.

 

Silence.

 

“Nothing, go back to sleep,”

  


\----

 

“Michael…”

 

Michael turns to look at Jeremy from where he is sat on his bed. Jeremy closes his laptop slightly and smiles softly at him.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Do-do you ever feel like there is something missing between us?”

 

Michael freezes before frowning. “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean we great, we really are and I love this, us, but there is something about it that just feels...weird…”

 

“Do...Do you want to talk about it Jer?” Michael asks moving to sit next to Jeremy. Jeremy shrugs and shuts his laptop before leaning into Michael’s shoulder. Jeremy feels him tense from underneath before he relaxes and wraps an arm around Jeremy.

 

“I feel like we have-we are just so…” Jeremy pauses there for a moment, his fingers flexing and unflexing as he thinks. “So different from the way we used to be...you know? Like, I like it and all and it's probably a good kinda different but I don’t know?”

 

Jeremy can feel Michael’s chest vibrate as he hums. “Yeah I kinda know you are talking about but what do you mean by you don’t know?”

 

“I don’t know what has changed…”

 

Michael stays silent for a moment and his grip around Jeremy tightens. “Do you think maybe...it’s us?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Do you think maybe we are the ones who have changed? Like we weren’t really like this back in high school, you know? I wasn’t so into computers and you weren’t so good at socializing, no offense,” Jeremy huffs out a laugh and he sees Michael’s lip twitch.

 

“But seriously we have both grown so much over the past year and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing you know? It's just a thing that happens with time. People grow and change,” _Kinda like a tree,_ Jeremy’s mind adds.

 

“Yeah...I suppose it is true...But...I don't think that’s it. Like yeah that's a huge part of it but like I don’t think that’s what I am thinking about…”

 

“Oh...What are you thinking of then, Jeremy?”

 

_Of Michael and his stupidly affectionate smiles. Of all the times they held hands like a fucking couple. All the times they flirted as a joke. All the coy grins and subtle touches and the weird ‘I’m in love’ look Michael get on his face sometimes._

 

“I don’t know man,” Jeremy slumps forward and sighs.

 

Jeremy stands up after a moment and offers Michael a hand. “Do you want to go get sushi? I’m like starving”

 

Michael is looking at him like _that_ again and Jeremy has to look away to hide his grin.

 

“Hell yeah!”

 

\---

 

Jeremy is sick of this. He is sick of playing this game. He is sick of the chase.

 

There is no way all those cuddles and touches mean nothing. There is no way that Michael doesn’t have feelings for Jeremy when he looks at him like that. There is no fucking way that they are _just_ friends.

 

Jeremy doesn’t know how or when their relationship changed but it did. And it has been different for a while.

 

Jeremy doesn’t know why the fuck he took this long to realise it but now that he can see it, it's there clear and bright and like a red dot on a white sheet.

 

\---

 

Jeremy confronts Michael about it the night before they left for their third year. Michael came over for a sleepover since his parents had to leave for “some urgent business”.

 

Jeremy is lying on the bed and Michael is on the floor on a mattress Jeremy’s dad put.

 

Neither of them can sleep for some reason.

 

Jeremy sits up after a while and watches Michael until Michael turns towards him.

 

Michael looks beautiful in the moonlight. His eyes are like two dark orbs against the pale light the moon is casting on his skin, and they are staring at Jeremy like they know something is going to change.

 

Neither of them moves or speaks. They just sit and watch each other. They observe and reserve each other’s faces in their memory for if anything went wrong, they would at least have that.

 

And then Jeremy jumps forward, almost tripping on his sheets, before grabbing Michael’s shoulders tightly and kissing him.  

 

Michael gasps, steadying himself for a moment before his hands are slipping to Jeremy’s back, fisting and clutching his shirt, pulling him even closer.

 

Jeremy’s hands move up to hold Michael’s neck and Jeremy can feel Michael’s pulse beneath his fingers and it's fast. Fast enough that it makes him question how he hadn’t noticed it before.

 

Michael slips back for a moment, his lips slipping away from Jeremy’s as he removes his hands from his shirt to hold them up.

 

Jeremy almost whines at the loss but it's swallowed by Michael’s lips against his, kissing him into oblivion.

 

Michael pulls away after a moment and their lips part for a moment, both inhaling shakily.

 

Michael smiles first, his face nudging forward into Jeremy’s cheek shyly. Jeremy can see the boy’s flushed cheeks and it makes him sigh softly.

 

Michael drags his nose down Jeremy’s cheek, kissing his jaw softly. Jeremy smiles at him, trying to calm himself down. A part of him is telling him to slow down and to not let Michael kiss him again. To keep him hooked by abstaining. To be more cautious.

 

But then Michael smiles at him sheepishly and just tucks Jeremy’s hair back, his fingers lingering on his cheek and _Fuck caution_.

 

Jeremy pushes forward, lips finding Michael’s, and his hands are slipping to his waist. This time their kiss is slower. And more controlled and it isn't as heated as the previous one. Michael is tracing the bones on his cheeks then neck and his hands won’t stop moving.

 

Jeremy smiles against Michael when they finally pull away. And Michael is back to kissing every part of Jeremy’s face and neck.

 

Michael keeps his hands above the hip, his grip is tightening and loosening with their momentum and Jeremy can tell that he wants to move his hands lower. But he doesn’t and that's leaves Jeremy oddly choked up.

 

Michael stops after a moment and looks at Jeremy.

 

Michael’s has his lip between his teeth and he is trying not to grin foolishly but then Jeremy smiles at him, wide and giddy and Michael just can’t control it. They sit in a comfortable silence for a while, just processing everything that happened and then Michael speaks up.

 

“Do-” Michael cleared his throat. “Does this mean that you like me…?”

 

“Michael...I love you,” Michael kisses Jeremy again, like he can’t control himself. He pushes his lips against Jeremy’s gently, moving with him before pulling away.

 

“I-I love you too…” Jeremy kisses his cheek once and Michael turns red. Jeremy laughs when Michael dives forward and hugs Jeremy, his head burrowed into Jeremy’s neck.

 

“So…?” Jeremy asks after a moment, caressing Michael’s hair. Michael kisses the junction between his shoulder and neck lightly.

 

“So?”

 

“Will you...be my boyfriend?” Jeremy asks, his hand stilling in Michael’s hair and tightening in Michael’s shirt.

 

Michael giggles into his neck, pushing his face further in. “Yes, you idiot”

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this is what I always thought would happen.
> 
> If not all of it at least the dating part.
> 
> I always thought Jeremy and Christine would date through high school but break up before college. And Jeremy and Michael would realize they have feelings for each other during college (since we all know those two nerds are going to go to the same one) and that's when they would date.
> 
> Anyways, what do you guys think of that?


End file.
